How’s Your Cultural Self-Talk?

Culture or Politics?

Recently, on LinkedIn, I’ve noticed frequent debates and divisions of perspectives. Noticeably, these divisions and debates are many times sparked by political views. Politics and culture are not the same. I am not going to explain politics because most of us know what it is and how it can become kindling for a bonfire. Like most, I hold political views, however, politics is not culture. Culture is a traditional core knowledge and understanding shared by any large group. Culture bonds them through shared knowledge of their larger communities’ beliefs and practices that have been passed down over generations. This common-core knowledge becomes the glue that makes them unique and different from other cultures. My approach to culture is not one of politics. When speaking about culture, I am not speaking politics, rather pointing out the special characteristics and practices a people and community share that make them unique. These are things, which I feel, are important to understand, in order to successfully establish amicable and beneficial relations between cultures. Please don’t make culture political.

I’m Racist

When interacting with people from different cultural backgrounds, I consciously stay open to things “outside my comfort zone”. I stay mindful of the thoughts and inner reactions while reminding myself to let go of prejudice and judgemental self-talk. There is wisdom to be found in all cultures. Sometimes, however, cultural wisdom is difficult to immediately recognize. Going into a cross-cultural situation gives me an opportunity to see the self-talk that emulates from inside my mind. Being open is a head start at foiling reactions, which may appear disrespectful or even racist. Honestly though? I am racist. I was conditioned that way by my family and my community, but, not unlike addiction, I must accept that before change is able to take place.

In the US, friendships, and relationships, compared to more traditional societies, tend to be rather superficial. A friendly suggestion to meet may not be followed through on and friends may not be around when needed. However, in China, friendships and relationships are comparatively deeper. Chinese friends are either there through the thick and thin or they are a thorn in the flesh. Confucius was aware of this idiosyncrasy of Chinese culture and admonished his students to practice respect. He said,

“A respectable person creates harmony, a scoundrel fosters discord”;

“君子和而不同，小人同而不和”.

Confucius experienced disrespect himself by having been banished from his home consequent to his views. He was forced to roam for 14 years, triggered by his attempt to bring harmony to a corrupt government.

Not unlike respect, cultural competency is based on slowing down and being mindful. We all see the world differently, we have different hopes, fears, and means of survival. It is important, however, to understand why we see the world the way we do; from our upbringing, friends, and individual life experiences, or lack thereof. When we stake claim to our ways as being the right ways, it becomes a potential spawning ground of division and discord.

Foster an Inclusive Mindset

The expression “Focus on the similarities and save the differences”; “求同存异”, is an expression originating from Mao Ze Dong 毛泽东. It was coined during a Provincial Party Committee meeting where he suggested the need to work on problems at hand and leave other problems for a later date. Later, Zhou En Lai 周恩来, a Chinese diplomat, attended an Asian-African summit in Bandung, Indonesia in 1955, where he also made reference to the expression. Zhou used the expression to foster a sense of diplomacy among people from different Asian nations with diverse cultural and political backgrounds. Despite the perceived differences, Zhou suggested they focus on similarities and avoid focusing on differences. By applying this concept, Zhou was able to successfully alleviate destructive undercurrents that threatened discord among the attendees. His desire for harmony became the basis for a successful 1955 Asian-African Summit.

What can be gleaned from Zhou’s usage of the expression, “Focus on the similarities and save the differences”? Today, when we focus on similarities, not differences, we can bridge the disaccord that divides us. By doing so, we create a positive foundation for an inclusive and harmonious society. At the same time, the concept of “Focus on the similarities and save the differences” can be easily applied in cross-cultural relations. Principally, by establishing positive relations focusing on mutual interests and similarities. By focusing on similarities, we empathize with the challenges or hopes others hold to. When we recognize that everyone desires to be happy and successful, we may be more inclined to put forth the effort to find successful ways to achieve that, be it with partners, clients, or friends. Differences will always exist, cultural differences or simply how we approach things. However, by applying patience and practicing openness with dependable cross-cultural support services in place, success is within easy reach.

Wisdom of Self-Reflection

Be aware of internal dialogue. If you notice yourself getting angry or fearful around people from different cultural backgrounds, pay attention to your self-talk, become curious about it. Inquire within as to where it comes from. Usually, if we are honest with ourselves, we find it is early conditioning. Change the self-talk in your mind to a discourse of civility, inclusivity or compassion. When we change our inner dialogue, our outer world changes with it.

A useful skill for cross-cultural interactions is –giving compliments. Simply say something nice or friendly. Share some positive energy. If your counterpart seems frustrated speaking English, tell him or her to take their time. Inquire about their home their family. Ask them something about their culture. Ask how to say “thank you” in their language and repeat it back to them. When you forget, ask again. There are many ways to bridge cultures, try some of your own. Take the initiative and you will reap the rewards!

Relationships are important for virtually anything. If we don’t feel comfortable with someone, it will show. However, if someone is causing us to feel uncomfortable, we may want to look at ourselves before calling out the other person. When it came to recognizing one’s responsibility for success or failure, Confucius was a proponent for self-reflection. During a conversation with one of Confucius’ followers, Zeng Zi 曾子, Zeng Zi said,

“I stop and reflect on myself three times daily”;

“吾日三省吾身”.

In Chinese, when we use the number three in this context, it suggests a number in excess of three. Zeng Zi went on to question his own actions, saying, “When interacting with others, am I being upright? Am I honest with my friends? Am I applying the knowledge of the Teacher (Confucius)?”; “ — 为人谋而不忠乎？与朋友交而不信乎？传不习乎？”.

Self-cultivation was a common topic for Confucius. We can see this from two well-known sayings, ”When I am among others, they are my teachers”; “三人行必有我师焉”. Confucius also said, “when you meet someone of a higher moral standard, you should aspire to be like that person”; “见贤思齐”. These words of wisdom from the Annals of Confucius, clearly support the idea that China’s most highly proclaimed teacher regarded himself as a learner, recognizing the need for consistent self-improvement and learning.

Lessons from Water

In the Dao De Jing, one of the oldest books of universal wisdom, it reads, “the goodness of water is above all things”; 上善若水. The author, Lao Zi (Lao Tze), portrays water as an element of compassion in considering the way coursing water adjusts and adapts to its environment and surroundings. When comparing water to a boulder, Lao Zi proposed water was the stronger of the two. Water creates great change over time, displaces great amounts of land, and carves valleys into mountainsides.

Water makes slow, methodical, and persistent change. When we allow clarity to flow through our being like water, we will be able to achieve change. Notice how individual human experiences are more similar than not, again, “Focus on the similarities and save the differences”, the main difference being the stories we tell ourselves. Our inner stories foster –fear or compassion, anger or happiness, curiosity or closed-mindedness, acceptance or rejection. But when we allow clarity of our inner voice and stories, we can better understand why we think and act the ways we do. Practice awareness when divisive thoughts pop up, and when they do, replace them with thoughts of acceptance and inclusion –thoughts that course like water through your whole being.

Todd Cornell is an American who has been immersed in Chinese culture and business for over 30 years. Born and raised in the US, he boasts near-native fluency in Mandarin Chinese and ponders life in both English and Chinese. The outcome being unique insights into successful US-China cross-cultural relations and best practices for business success, avoiding unnecessary misunderstandings and cultural faux pas.

Contact: todd@cultur668.com